MRS. MAN — Follow Me Sam P.

I received a letter the other day that really made me angry. It was addressed as Mr. and Mrs. (insert husband’s name here). It was from our public schools office. Of course, I took to Facebook to voice my frustration. How dare they make me invisible? How dare they take my identity away? This hit real deep. I woke up at 3am and couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was gnawing at me. I reached out on Facebook looking for confirmation and support. What surprised me was the indifference in some of the comments, either minimizing my reaction, saying it’s ok because it’s tradition, explaining that it might just be an oversight or just not that big a deal. But it is a big deal and I want to tell you why:

Society still categorizes me by my marital status
Mrs. Man defines me by which man I belong to
When you define me, you have legal, political and social power over me.
You are continuing to establish the systemic inequality between me and my husband.
A school district should be especially cognisant of gender inequality and make every attempt to inculcate an environment that encourages gender equality. By addressing me this way that have suggested something about gender and women to my children (who attend school in the district).

Here are some of my thoughts on this, as I try and unravel this for myself.

Language is subliminal in our everyday life. Most of the time we are not even cognisant of the words we use. We just use them. However, the language we use frames our way of thinking and understanding.When words and the way we use them become common practice, they start creating narratives and suggesting realities that we eventually take to be true. You only have to look at history to see the implications of this. From the F-word to the N-word and the C-word, there are historical roots and meanings that cannot be detached from the word. Men use ‘chick’ and ‘sugar’ on a daily basis to refer to girls and women. Without thinking about it they are associating girls and women with small animals that are easily hunted and desserts that satisfy a craving. And then create narratives around these words to suggest that girls are easy prey and are there for their own pleasure. These associations and behaviors become locked into our culture. You only have to look to the #MeToo movement to get a glimpse of how pervasive misogyn and sexism is. Words may seem like small things, but they are powerful and for the most part invisible (unless we make a point of calling them out). Honestly, I don’t think we are always engaging in conscious and deliberate sexism because we assume it to be the ‘natural’ order of things. But it’s not. Every time we use gendered language we are recycling and reinforcing the common-sense assumption that men take precedence over women and that women are ‘less than men’

What’s in a name?As a woman, I am very aware that I do not have full equality, politically, economically, legally, professionally. I wake up every day determined to change this, raising my voice to help give others support and encouragement. And then something happens that sucks the air out of me. Something happens that is an ‘in your face’ gesture, and I crumble emotionally with that. I am here! I am here! I am autonomous! I am an adult human female! No, says the system, you are dependent on your husband. You are invisible to us. You don’t even deserve to have your name recognized. Historically, owners gave slaves their last names (and sometimes their first name), This was a clear statement that these human beings were physically and literally owned by their masters. The name defined a slave by which master he/she belonged. They could not even claim their own identity. And in so doing, they were made to appear invisible to society, to the law, to politics. I am in no way drawing a similarity between my position and that of a slave, only drawing attention to how identity can be stolen and claimed by taking away your name. There is also ranking in a name. Mr. comes before Mrs. Sergeant Major before Private. Dr. before Miss. Queen before Prince. Mrs. before Mr. Names indicate a certain social status and social relationships, that comes with preset expectations and behaviors.

My severe reaction to this way of being addressed is not only appropriate but totally needed. You see, everytime someone calls me ‘sweetie’ or ‘Mrs. Man’ or ‘honey’ or tells me to fucking smile, I am being reminded over and over and over again that I am not equal, no matter how much I want to be, no matter how much I try. It’s a consistent background noise that impacts my psyche. It hurts. It becomes heavy. It erodes my self-confidence, my feeling of safety and belonging. It makes it that much harder to enter the world again. Language doesn’t exist in a vacuum, but neither does sexism. We have to become more conscious of the beliefs behind the words that shape our understanding of them and we have become more conscious of the words we use. Words create meaning and determine the way we think and act. So I ask you, do you mean to continue gender inequality? Do you mean to break me down?